What Forgiveness is Not

Forgiveness is a part of all our lives.  At some point we have to learn to forgive others.  Forgiveness helps unpack our lives and lighted the stress we have to carry.  Forgiveness can look like a lot of things, but I have listed 3 things that Forgiveness is NOT.

Forgiveness is NOT Forgetting

Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened in the past.  The idea of forgiving and forgetting is nearly an impossible task.  Some things we will never forget.  what happened, what was said, or even how we felt in that moment can linger past the point of forgiveness.  People, places, and things can be triggers to previous hurt.  Forgiveness is what you do when those memories or feelings arise.  When those thoughts come up, remind yourself that you have forgiven that person and have chosen to move on.

Forgiveness is NOT a Feeling

Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice.  There is an assumption that once you forgive someone all the pain surrounding that incident should go away.  You can forgive and still struggle with a mixture of emotions.  Forgiveness is not about feeling better, it focuses on how you now treat the person you are forgiving.  Once you have decided to forgive you are choosing to no longer hold whatever happened against that person.  You are choosing to treat that person out of love and not pain.  This is the same when it comes to yourself.  When you forgive yourself, you may still have negative feelings, but you have decided to no longer punish yourself for your previous actions.

Forgiveness is NOT Quick & Easy

Forgiving is a word that has been thrown around very casually, as if it is a simple solution to a complicated problem.  Though forgiveness has profound power it is not an easy thing to do.  Some would suggest that is not even natural.  In many cases it may take the spirit of God to truly forgive.  For those that struggle with forgiveness, be gentle with yourself.  Forgiveness does not happen overnight.  Something that you have been dealing with for years does not instantly get better in a week.  Give yourself some time.  Forgiveness is a process.

Starting the Forgiveness Process

Start by thinking of a person that you need to forgive.  Find a sheet of paper and pen.  Write down all of the words, phrases, looks, thoughts, pictures, and content that you can think of as it relates to that person and or event.  Write down every negative thing you remember them saying and doing.  Write down every negative story you tell yourself and others about that person.  Write down what you blame them for and the role they played in your life.  Write down negative consequences in your life a result from interacting with that person.  Scan the list.  This is step one.  Talk with a mental health professional about ways to process through emotions and thoughts listed on your paper.  The way to forgiveness may look different for everyone, but we all have to begin by acknowledging what needs to be forgiven.

If you are looking to gain more insight into yourself or relationships in Tennessee, we would love to help provide direction. Purposed Life Counseling: 615-241-9074     info@apurposedlife.com